be my lover...and i'll cover you

it's been a long time since I last posted. My heart is still broken.

green grow the rushes ho, no more.

camp is done. gone the fun. from the hills, from the trees, from the sky. all is well. safely rest. god is nigh.

well, camp is officially over. and i am officially depressed. i will never be with the same group of people ever again in my life and that is utterly to horrible to think about. if i was a ball of emotion, i would be a nonstop bawling emotional ball. but im not so i just suck it up and get on with life. they say that no year compares to your first year as staff at camp. hopefully they'll rehire me next year, but it just won't be the same. i miss THESE people too much. *sigh* oh camp.

heartbroken
Liadan

oh what a night.

we had a brief break from camp and a few people came down to my house to stay over. it was pretty intense but a lot of fun. i have 3 hickeys (small ones) on my neck which are quite unattractive. the boy i love was here and i totally missed out on the chance to make out with him but i was too fucked up to really think about what i was doing and now i am PISSED! i think part of it was that i was scared to hook up with him and be compared to everyone else he hooked up with. i am SOOOO STUPID! grrrr. whatever. just wanted to have a quick update.

having regrets,
Liadan

hope

my lover is BACK! it feels so good to have him here at camp with me because all i could do while he was gone was think about him. unfortunately, he doesnt have the same feelings i have for him towards me, but just being around him is enough. i almost died today when he hugged me. i just wanted to be in his embrace for the rest of my life. it's kind of like im dreaming and hoping for the perfect romance that always happens in movies and books but will never happen in real life with him. ive fallen for a lot of people throughout my life, but i really really like him. like a lot. like i would want a book to be written about us and for people in the future to dream about having a romance as good as ours. of course, that is just the rambling of a lovesick girl so it's complete and utter nonsense. to clarify, this is not the guy from the previous lovesick rant. that, as it turns out, was a horrendous mistake and he turned out to be a jerk and i was just lonely. this is his best friend. it's weird how you make judgements on people and they can turn out completely wrong. like in the wrong continent kind of wrong. i thought that this guy was a total idiot and stoner, but it turns out that he is the opposite and the first guy turned out to be like my assumption. enough on that though. im just really glad that he is back at camp. because i was starting to become permanently depressed and irritable.

on a totally different note: Harry Potter number 7 (aka the last one) came out like 3 days ago and im torn between wanting to read it and find out what happens or the fact that i never want it to end. i don't think that i'll actually realize that it's over until i read the last word on the last page of the book. im already 350 pages into it and jk rowling has soo much more that she needs to cover that i dont know if she'll be able to do it in the second half of the book. im actually really curious as to how she is going to deal with the whole voldemort vs. harry thing. i hope that harry doesnt die, but we shall see... if i ever finish the book that is.

camp is just a lot of unnecessary drama again. the counselors and the jcrew have basically separated into two different groups with resentment just overflowing from the center of both. the age difference is actually playing a real role in the separation that didnt look like it would happen at the beginning. dont get me wrong. i still love camp like no other but its a little bit of a downer to have all this stuff going on. i wish people would just voice their frustrations rather than bicker about it. it's really eating away at the feeling of the camp. oh well. im going to go because i wrote a lot and the other jcrew are being ridiculous.

goodnite.
liadan

i miss camp.

ive been away from camp for like three days and i am already pining over it. even though nantucket is the cat's meow i just love camp so much. everyone on staff is amazing (although there is one person who is a little less than fabulous but whatever). ive never felt so able to be myself around people and even though i get frustrated it always gets better. i have found people that i can just talk to about whatever and be 200% positive that the news is not going to be spread around to everyone else. it's such a close knit community that i feel like these people are my family even though we've been on staff together for a little over three weeks. i can't wait to do it again next year and for more years after that. its been one of the best experiences of my life AND i get paid. i did get poison oak in a sucky spot but it has not dampened my spirits one bit. I LOVE CAMP!

feeling extatic.
liadan

who knows?

camp has such drama. its like a freaking concentrated soap opera. but i LOVE it. its like drinking in the source of life or something. and once again i am NOT the cause of it. which is also fabulous. (by the way, the reason there are no capitals in this entry is because i am physically and emotionally drained from being here for almost two weeks). i like one of the guys obviously and i really like his ex girlfriend because she is so nice and funny but she's also being a little bitchy to him which is a little heart breaking. because he's like amazing.

?

surprisingly enough we have internet in the middle of nowhere at camp. It is really fun although I've never felt more judged and self conscious in my life. My thinking is that this is camp and I should not have to be afraid to jump around and shout all day long without people looking at me like im psychotic. It is weird because I feel more self conscious being a counselor then I did when I was a camper which seems totally wacked. I also have serious feelings for one of my fellow counselors and I can't really get over it. The other problem is that he has feelings for another staff member (they dated for a year and split up a month ago) so I'm pretty sure they're going to get back together. It just seems like a never ending cycle of dissapointment for me. And I start clinging to the little things to scrounge up hope and I alwaye end up being bitterly dissapointed. I should have learned from the countless things in the past but apparently I am too hard-headed for that. I really thought camp was going to be a good way to escape all of this everyday crap and yet it almost intensifies the emotions because of how close you work with your other staff members. Another thing is that I am roommates with the girl he likes and dated so it's even more awkward for me even though I haven't told anyone and I don't think anyone suspects me....yet. Once again the whole closeness thing comes up again to just show that I am never going to be able to hide anything. I just don't understand why if someone is attracted to another person the feelings are not automatically reciprocated. Shouldn't you be able to decide what relationships are going to work and what not by who YOU like? I mean if I'm attracted to a certain characteristic in a person, shouldn't they find something they like in me? It would be so much easier if that were the case. AND how do you know if your in love or in lust? There are too many questions that need answers in this world. Camp has really not helped with my emotional stress which is supposed to heal over summer. Everywhere I go I find someone else that causes me to use up useful time. Life is SUCH a bitch.

HI HO!

summer has been here for a little over two weeks and what a summer it has been so far! I went to mexico with BE and KF for 6 days and that was interesting. I don't really want to discuss it any more. I've already talked so much about it. Then I went to New York City which was also interesting in a different way. I saw Les Miserables and A Chorus Line on Broadway which were...AMAZING! But to be expected of course considering it IS broadway.

I'm leaving to be a counselor today and I'm nervous/excited. I hope everything goes well and I didn't forget to pack anything at all, but it's kind of too late now. Won't be updating for a while....

xo
Liadan

basically how im feeling can be described like this:

I wished I'd had known you
Wished I had shown you
All of the things I
Was on the inside
But I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you'd come in in the morning
To whisper goodbye
Go work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why

....i want you.

you fasten your seatbelt because its the law

The week before finals is always the hardest. You have the looming presence of these enormous critical tests before you as well as the guilt of everything you should have done to work harder in your classes all semester. Clearly, I should have no surprise for the fact that I am breaking out like crazy on my face as well as being seriously hormonal. Stress seems to be the one emotion that just sends every person's body haywire. Even the normal calming music and sleep is not preventing any of these symptoms which are all stress-related. Also, basically I got totally rejected the other day. The person I have seriously feelings for is currently preoccupied with someone else and it's such a bitch. Watching all the romance movies and reading all these sappy books makes you think for sure when you like someone they'll like you back but of course that isn't the case. I just wish this person would open their eyes and realize that I am waiting for them. It also sucks because I can't talk to anyone about it because people would be not sympathetic at all. "Don't keep your hopes up Liadan" or "Are you serious". Most people wouldn't understand anyway.

I'm kind of regretting filling my summer with like a billion different things because I really need some relaxation time before next year. If I think this is stressful... oh god I can't even imagine next year! I also have to start packing and doing all my makeup work so that I don't fail out of school or w/e. I just hate when you know that the reason you aren't satified with something is because of yourself. If I wasn't such a goddamn slacker..... I guess I could blame it on Veronica Mars, House, and Grey's Anatomy, but it was all my choice to watch those shows instead of actually studying. If I put half as much work into my schoolwork as everyone else I could far surpass them. I know it sounds utterly cocky and self-centered, but it is kind of true. Next year I really need to get my act together.

Speaking of needing to get things done.... I have to study for a math test tomorrow.

Love,
Liadan

it doesnt come so easily

i am so frustrated. as a singer I should be blessed with the ability to write lyrics or atleast compose a piece for myself. but of course that turns out to be completely false. I can't stand the fact that some people who are completely gifted with words deny everything when people who would truly appreciate it are left in the dust. are these people deserving? i honestly don't know. and another thing, WHY DO PEOPLE ASK STUPID QUESTIONS???!?!?!? Shouldn't people just mind their own business when it comes to other people's lives? w/e. i really do want to write a few songs though. atleast then people can say that I write original pieces. even if its not the music it has to be the lyrics. something.... something. SOMETHING! its like i have all this miscellaneous talent in really random areas that isn't anything fabulous. its just "oh yeah. liadan's pretty good at a lot of things". there is never any "OMG LIADAN IS AMAZING AT SUCH AND SUCH". and that also leads me to the fact that everyone thinks i am such a complainer and what on earth would i have to complain about. well lets count it, im NOT a straight A student, im fat, im absolutely not athletic, im not pretty, i can't wear the clothes i want, i havent been a lead in the school plays yet, and i am too loud and obnoxious. i think that shows that i have plenty to complain about. People really take advantage of their lives. i freaking HATE the way I am. if i could trade bodies with someone I'd totally do it. yeah, and i know all this shit because of like self-respect and crap, but thats exactly what it is. CRAP!!!!! IT IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT! and im fucking freezing my ASS off....

stressed, cold, and fucking annoyed,
Liadan

omigod omigod u guys

its unbelievable. i actually walked out of my first show. It was a student production of Les Miserables and they were butchering it so I left at intermission and never came back. I've never actually seen the show performed with a professional cast so I will be going to NYC and seeing it on Broadway this summer. Obviously it is going to be much better than this one otherwise it wouldnt be called a Broadway show. I am actually horrified with how bad the singing was... I sincerely hope our school plays are not that bad.

I only have about three weeks of school left and I am quite excited. Unfortunately that means that I have to catch up on all of my chemistry homework that I left unfinished. I HATE my teacher Mrs. M. She is SUCH a horrible teacher. I didn't think it was possible to be as bad as her. Next year I'm taking APES (AP Environmental Science) and I hope that goes much better than this year.

I have so much homework to do for tomorrow so I better get going. ADIOS!

Liadan

Around town

im going to carmel today with a friend and its going to be interesting. I have to take pictures for my spanish project which is complete and utter crap! I also have to pick up a birthday present for CH because her birthday is next saturday and im going to her party which is going to be amazing!!!! im sooo psyched.

I'm going to see Les Mis tonight and I know im going to be bawling my eyes out. I am SUCH a crier. I cry after basically any movie/show that has even the slightest sad part in it. oh well, i love the music for this musical and i know ill love it and that is what matters the most.

love,
Liadan

oh........snap

huh. well I got my research paper back in history today and I am not that happy with my grade. I mean, I guess I could have worked harder, but I worked pretty hard on that 6 page paper. And yes, it is only six pages long but it still accounts for two test grades in our class. This better not have lowered my A to an A-. That would be rediculous! On top of that History AP next year is going to be the death of me so I might as well not even write anymore because I am GOING TO DIE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

clearly, i am suffering from bi-polar disorder.

Liadan

oh the sound of music

It is utterly amazing how a song from any broadway musical can make me want to burst out into song and dance. After just seeing Miss Saigon in Sydney, Australia I am on a role. I bought my favorite songs from musicals on itunes and enjoy listening to them over and over again. Jekyll & Hyde has an absolutely unbelievable score with a multitude of incredible songs. I LOVE BROADWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

smitten,
Liadan

sorrry

its been tooo long since I've last posted and i actually feel like I personally am suffering for it. I do have a UTI and have been vomiting since early this morning. possibly from the meds Im taking and possibly because I am just dying. I hope its not the latter. I haven't moved to NYC yet. speaking of NYC, Annie opened last friday night and I am not having that fabulous run in the show. I would have to say that this is the first show where I am not happy with my performance in it. Hopefully I am not losing my touch.

Im Back!!

Back to school yesterday came and went. I am still jetlagged from my return from Australia although it was super fun! Not much to say. Just wanted to check in...

Liadan

Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake 'em. I ain't got none, but I'm planning on getting some.

Phase 1 complete. We have moved from Sydney to Melbourne Australia. Truthfully, not much change has occured. The accents are the same, they still have luna park, and I am still not getting to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in concert. That's right folks! They are playing in Melbourne for the next 3 days and I am missing it to go watch some stupid penguins walk up the beach at night to burrow in their holes. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Atleast I get to see Miss Saigon even though it's a matinee so the good roles will all be replaced by the backup people.

Never thought I'd be hating penguins so much as I do now. Well lovers, I must leave you all behind....

Stressed and depressed,
Liadan

BRRAAAAAAAAAAN COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new found glory, eh?

Still writing to you from down under. I climbed to the top of the sydney harbour bridge! absolutely fantastic if i do say so myself. We also went to Luna Park today and it was sooo much fun. I got absolutely soaking wet because we went on rides while it was raining. It sounds kind of weird I know, but it is brilliant when you're wooshing around in all these spinny rides and the rain is falling on you. It's kind of like in a movie.

Note about hot men: They are all currently taken by none other than... THE ASIANS!!! Nothing against them of course but COME ON man. I'm all for interracial love or whatever but that definitely does not mean that all my beautiful blonde australian hotties need to be in interracial relationships. Goodness! It doesn't help that the hottest guy I've seen yet is 21, getting married, and to top it all off is my second COUSIN and I'm going to his wedding tomorrow. I swear to GOD all the hot men are related to me. What an absolute drag. I'm still hopeful though. If not Sydney I've got Melbourne or Adelaide to tide me over. Keep your fingers crossed on that front.

The Title? Well its a kind of funny story. We thought we were in line for the magic show at luna park but like EVERYONE was dressed all like punkish with the black hair and highlights that are all spiked up. It turns out that it was the line for the concert of New Found Glory. I wish we had seen that rather than the magic show though because the magician SUCKED and his "helper" girl was dressed entirely in a black leather suit. It was disgusting.

Anyway, my time at the internet kiosk is coming to an end.

LOVES,
Liadan

PS. Tell CG about Beyonce and the limo...

I was sitting, waiting, wishing....

So those three things mentioned in the title? They are quite true. Currently I am sitting at an internet kiosk in my hotel in Australia with absolutely nothing to do. I am waiting and WISHING for a hottie to come pick me up and blow me away with those startling blue eyes and his AMAZING australian accent. Nothing like that has happened yet, but I'm hopeful. I thought that going on this vacation would absolutely take my mind off all of my worries, but now that I'm here I find that I am worrying more about things that need to be done at school. Oh goodness, this timer is not helping me. I had to pay $2 for 20 minutes on the internet. What a complete rip off and the worst part is that I was advised NOT to bring my computer on this trip.

I hope the trip picks up a little more speed in terms of finding my true love. It wouldn't be that bad if Jesse Buckingham walked up the street and recognized me now would it? Can't say that I'm missing the states, but I am missing my friends.... :(

The timer is slowly clicking down so I'm gonna head out. Read some good books for me while I'm gone will ya? Thanks!!

xxxxxs and ooooos
Liadan

This love has taken it's toll on me

the news is: AUSTRALIA TOMORROW!!! I'm so excited I can hardly contain it. I'm going to meet an amazing guy and everything is going to be perfect for the next 2 weeks. PSYCH! Unfortunately the downside of skipping a week of school is that I have to turn in everything early INCLUDING my history research paper which is extremely stressful. Juan and Eva Peron are not exactly the people i want to be studying right before spring break. yuuuuck.

I've been pretty bad with the whole posting thing, but it's kind of weird that I'm doing this because no one except me is going to read it even though its available to like anyone who has access to the internet. absurd i guess.

lots of kisses,
Liadan

guilty? yeah. a little bit.

So now I feel ultra bad for complaining about my roommate to people because when she was talking to BE she was all like "yeah, i love being Liadan's roommate. We have so much fun!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! the guilt is overwhelming. and unfortunately the guilt mixed with lack of sleep is not a good combination of emotions for before a Chemistry Honors test. Yikes! Wish me luck....

:)

Liadan

huh.

roommate change.....huh. well that was unexpected. I really really wanted a single, but currently im living with BR and its a little i dont know WIERD!!! I don't think either of us put each other down so the situation is kind of freaky. and a little questionable, but w/e. Atleast I get to stay in Greer! WOOOOOOO! oh god. i need to pack...

Liadan

I Thought You Were a Friend of Mine.

the title? I know. I have no idea where that came from either. It just popped out of no where and it's sooo full of cheese that I can't believe it came out of my head. I am about to undergo my second roommate change of the school year. I don't know how I feel about it. Firstly, I have gotten so used to being with my current roommate that it will just be weird living with someone else and secondly, I don't think anyone that I put down on the list put me down as well. I really don't want to end up as the person who just got lumped with someone who didn't put her down. That would be so unbelievably tragic. C'est la vie I guess.

I started watching Saving Private Ryan yesterday and I couldn't even make it through the first scene. Don't assume that I don't sympathize for all those people who have fought and died in any war, but I draw the line with watching people clutching their intestines as they die. War is just...AH! I can't even talk about it. It's such a pointless waste of time that results in millions of people dying who have every right or possibly even more right than I do to be living. I guess I kind of feel bad saying that I'll never EVER be in the army, but I just couldn't do it. It would probably be best for everyone that I wasn't. I've just noticed that this week I have been extremely focused on the effects of war on society and it's quite depressing. I must move on to lighter topics.

SO, I finally sent in my application for JCREW at St. Dorothy's Rest summer camp. I am soo psyched because they sent a letter asking me to set up a phone interview to further my chances in the application process. I can't wait until I hear if I get the job or not. Keeping my fingers crossed! :)

love, peace, and understanding;
Liadan

PS. I hope Bran comes home soon!

Hard Rock...

Recently I have discovered the unusual pleasure of rocking out to Ozzy Osbourne, Guns and Roses, ZZTop, and other more hard rock music bands. And recently guitar solos have become a real passion of mine. I love listening to an amazing guitar solo and wondering what it would be like to be able to play like that (example - Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne or Hotel California by the Eagles)... My roommate was mentioning the other day that my musical tastes are so weird because I can go from listening to hard rock to rap to Tracy Chapman to musicals all in one sitting. My dad always says that music basically defines his life and I think that is definitely a gene that I got from him.

I just watched Schindler's List for like the 4th time and it continues to bedazzle me. The story of World War II is just so unbelievable. The fact that any human could do that to any other human just seems so surreal. But of course genocide didn't end with the Holocaust even though the world saw the consequences of the aftermath with the Jewish people. Yet we still have Rwanda and even the present genocide occuring in Darfur. People really love to just be so ignorant about history. No one can stop to actually soak in the lessons that are SCREAMING to be learned after each of these tragedies. We just move on and let it happen again and again. I'm surprised that I don't fear for my life like everyday because people are capable of such atrocities. We just had a test in History about WWI and the Armenian Genocide and it got me thinking about things...

I am so incredibly bored with life that I can't even come up with any more sentences. Salud!

cue the oscar music,
Liadan

Stressed Much?

Today is the infamous inclass essay for Jane Austen's Emma. Of course normally I would not have any issue with this except for the fact that I am 20 chapters behind where I should be for this essay. Hopefully sparknotes are enough to mask my actual confusion about this stupid book. I hate emma... the book and the character imagine that. well here i go

Totoro

Tonight will be my first ever blog post on my blog. I really want to make this a regular thing because I find it really hard to keep a journal on paper so hopefully this will make my life a little less stressful. Today, I was finally reunited with my childhood movie friend TOTORO! It was soo exciting! I never thought I would be able to watch that movie again but Abby Urban made that possible. I was really excited...

Cue the oscar music,
Liadan