who knows?

camp has such drama. its like a freaking concentrated soap opera. but i LOVE it. its like drinking in the source of life or something. and once again i am NOT the cause of it. which is also fabulous. (by the way, the reason there are no capitals in this entry is because i am physically and emotionally drained from being here for almost two weeks). i like one of the guys obviously and i really like his ex girlfriend because she is so nice and funny but she's also being a little bitchy to him which is a little heart breaking. because he's like amazing.

?

surprisingly enough we have internet in the middle of nowhere at camp. It is really fun although I've never felt more judged and self conscious in my life. My thinking is that this is camp and I should not have to be afraid to jump around and shout all day long without people looking at me like im psychotic. It is weird because I feel more self conscious being a counselor then I did when I was a camper which seems totally wacked. I also have serious feelings for one of my fellow counselors and I can't really get over it. The other problem is that he has feelings for another staff member (they dated for a year and split up a month ago) so I'm pretty sure they're going to get back together. It just seems like a never ending cycle of dissapointment for me. And I start clinging to the little things to scrounge up hope and I alwaye end up being bitterly dissapointed. I should have learned from the countless things in the past but apparently I am too hard-headed for that. I really thought camp was going to be a good way to escape all of this everyday crap and yet it almost intensifies the emotions because of how close you work with your other staff members. Another thing is that I am roommates with the girl he likes and dated so it's even more awkward for me even though I haven't told anyone and I don't think anyone suspects me....yet. Once again the whole closeness thing comes up again to just show that I am never going to be able to hide anything. I just don't understand why if someone is attracted to another person the feelings are not automatically reciprocated. Shouldn't you be able to decide what relationships are going to work and what not by who YOU like? I mean if I'm attracted to a certain characteristic in a person, shouldn't they find something they like in me? It would be so much easier if that were the case. AND how do you know if your in love or in lust? There are too many questions that need answers in this world. Camp has really not helped with my emotional stress which is supposed to heal over summer. Everywhere I go I find someone else that causes me to use up useful time. Life is SUCH a bitch.

HI HO!

summer has been here for a little over two weeks and what a summer it has been so far! I went to mexico with BE and KF for 6 days and that was interesting. I don't really want to discuss it any more. I've already talked so much about it. Then I went to New York City which was also interesting in a different way. I saw Les Miserables and A Chorus Line on Broadway which were...AMAZING! But to be expected of course considering it IS broadway.

I'm leaving to be a counselor today and I'm nervous/excited. I hope everything goes well and I didn't forget to pack anything at all, but it's kind of too late now. Won't be updating for a while....

xo
Liadan